


If Not Now, When?

by nakatas_cat



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Backstory, Community: mcsheplets, Dreamwalking, M/M, Psychic Bond, Wordcount: Over 1.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-18
Updated: 2011-10-18
Packaged: 2017-10-24 18:13:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/266406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nakatas_cat/pseuds/nakatas_cat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John dreams of Rodney long before they get to know each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Not Now, When?

**Author's Note:**

> Written for mcsheplets prompt #106 Bond. Title is from Incubus' latest album 'If Not Now, When?' (who got it from a quote from Hillel, the rabbi of the Mishnah).  
> Spoilers: 1.01 Rising, 1.03 Hide and Seek, 1.14 Sanctuary, 2.06 Trinity, 2.12. Epiphany, 4.13 Quarantine, and probably throughout a whole lot more (if only sparsely)  
> Thanks to kay_greatness for betaing!

John Sheppard had known for most of his life that Rodney McKay was the one for him. Since he'd been little, he'd had dreams of a boy with bright blue eyes who watched him but who never said a word or intervened. Each and every night, the other kid had visited him and stood by him in good and in bad manifestations of his subconsciousness.

They'd sat together in the gondola of a Ferris wheel, John beaming, the other boy watching. They'd faced the horror of whole armies of clowns together, John anxiously, his bystander observantly. And they'd stood side by side when John had relived the moment he realized that his mother wouldn't come back, time and time again.

When John had grown older, so had the boy in his dreams. It had been nice to notice that he wasn't the only one experiencing the downside of adolescence when his watcher had walked clumsily alongside his own rather ungraceful gait. Probably, no-one had felt the need to tell him either that his limbs would grow faster than his accommodation skills.

During his time in high school and later at Stanford, watchful eyes had looked over his shoulder at tests in his dreams, or sometimes at the repetition or modification of parties and dates.

As a pilot of the U.S. Air Force and especially when flying black ops, he'd been exposed to the terrors of war on a daily basis. While he'd been able to shut out the worst during his missions and not think too closely about it at all while awake, his mind would terrorize him in his dreams with it. Even he needed to process things, though he would have welcomed the ability to just tick them off afterwards. John had never in his life been as grateful as then that he didn't have to face it all alone and to have someone with him, radiating compassion and understanding.

From the start and on, John had refused to give the presence in his dreams a name. It hadn't struck him as particularly wise to do so if the man possibly had a name already. Somehow he'd always hoped despite his better knowledge that the guy with the smart blue eyes and the down-slanted mouth would one day stand before him in flesh and blood and talk to him. He'd imagined the man's voice to be rather sonorous and emphatic, broadcasting all his emotions.

For that reason, he'd stuck to calling him his 'companion' or 'watcher' in his thoughts.

Of course, he'd never told anyone about it. They would have wrapped him in an orange straitjacket and locked him in a padded room, and if not, he would have never been allowed to fly again and instead would've spent most of his time on an uncomfortable couch at a psychiatrist's.

As the years had passed by, John had felt the need to have a bit more stability in his life. In hindsight though, he wasn't sure why he'd ever married Nancy. Maybe because he'd liked her and it had felt nice to return home to someone waiting for him after a long and precarious mission. Maybe it was because he'd had doubts from time to time that he'd ever meet his companion for real, or that he couldn't wait forever. It had turned out that liking somebody just wasn't enough, and that hope was harder to smother than anything.

Then he'd gotten a black mark and been sent to Antarctica. After months of white nothingness and indifference, it had all changed one day with flying a particular General to a top secret outpost.

From that day on, he'd had a name for his companion: Dr. Dr. Rodney McKay. Or more precisely, Dr. Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay, as he'd later found out.

But not only had his dream watcher had a name from then on, everything he'd come to know had turned out to be a fairly limited view of the world. In retrospect, John thought that the biggest and most important chapter of his life had been opened on that fateful day. Flipping a coin had been more of a ritual he'd performed whenever his life had been about to change drastically. It wouldn't have affected his decision to go to another galaxy. Catching sight of the bluest eyes ever in reality had already sealed his fate. And hearing his voice for the first time which was so much and at the same time so little like he'd anticipated.

Over the next months, John had been drawn to the man that now wasn't only part of his subconsciously controlled memories but also of his day-to-day life. They'd eventually become friends, which wasn't surprising considering the amount of time they spent together, both professionally and in private. They were just on the same wavelength.

John had kept his eyes open for signs that the eccentric scientist showed of some kind of recognition or familiarity but hadn't noticed any, no matter how close he'd looked. Apparently, it was only him who dreamt of the other. He'd had no idea what that meant, let alone how it was even possible.

Then he'd met Chaya and it had felt like meeting a relative he hadn't seen in a long time. At that time, he'd felt restless and full of questions he just couldn't find the answers to. He'd sort of hoped to get them from her. So he'd agreed to share his mind with her and had been overwhelmed by the overflow of information, thoughts and memories he'd gathered from her. Afterwards, she'd smiled at him solemnly and said, "We're more equal than you thought. And so is Dr. McKay."

It had taken him quite some time to sort through everything transferred by their link. After a while, it had finally dawned on him that the Atlantis database was apparently even more flawed and incomplete than they'd came to understand so far. Though he hadn't figured out what to do with this revelation and its implications, he'd felt kind of settled.

A couple months later, Rodney had destroyed the majority of the Dorandan solar system, nearly killing himself and John in the process. After that, John had been more disappointed with himself than with Rodney. Never before had he let his personal feelings for someone affect his decisions to that extent. He'd trusted in Rodney's infallibility despite his gut instincts and his wits.

Then and there he'd sworn to himself to never again let Rodney get carried away so far that he couldn't size up fatal danger anymore. He just couldn't risk Rodney's life because of such a needless mistake.

John wasn't afraid of his dreams at night that were full of Wraith, destruction and death because he knew he'd be sheltered by his companion's presence. Rodney's presence alone gave him the stability he required to remain sane and his usual laid-back self.

When he'd been stuck in the time dilation field for six months, it had been worse than flying black ops for John. To lose what he'd only just found and never had the guts to fully act on and to go back to seeing Rodney only in his dreams had felt like losing a limb. He'd taken comfort in Teer, but he'd still been hollow inside. Finally setting eyes on his best friend again had been like being able to breathe once more.

At some point thereafter, Rodney had started a relationship with Katie Brown. To John, it had never seemed to be really serious, so it had been a shock when Rodney had told him of his plans to propose. Certainly, John had felt uneasy even before, but right then it had been like a punch in the gut. He'd been enormously relieved when the quarantine incident had led to Rodney not making his proposition, and to breaking up with Katie, although his relief didn't speak for him as a friend.

Ever since then, John had had no choice but to accept that his feelings for Rodney were far deeper than just friendship. No-one had ever gotten under his skin the way the blunt Canadian had. The many occasions in which they'd nearly lost one another had only bound them together stronger.

But still, the Rodney in his dreams didn't talk. Sometimes John was faced with two Rodneys, one that talked and was therefore completely made up by his subconsciousness and one that observed, his watcher. At the beginning, it had been strange to John, but he'd gotten used to it fast.

Lately, he could sometimes feel Rodney's gaze linger on him for longer than was appropriate or necessary. The scientist often seemed to be deep in thoughts and unaware of his surroundings save John. There were also more touches, coincidental and deliberate, during which piercing blue eyes watched John's features closely.

Chaya's words and knowledge about which John had never talked to anyone crossed his mind. Maybe it had taken Carson's gene therapy to activate something that had already been inherent in Rodney's genetic make-up. Maybe John wasn't the only one who had a silent companion in his dreams anymore. Maybe they were something special as, according to Chaya, what was happening to them was rather seldom but not unknown amongst the Ancients and considered to be the greatest gift besides ascension.

Years full of life-threatening situations, grief, horror, but also moments of joy had formed them into the persons they were today. The losses they had been confronted with over the last years still weighed heavily on their shoulders. However, they bore it together, their team, the whole expedition, supporting each other in times of need.

But more than in anyone else John found a resting place in Rodney, both during the day and at night. The understanding, the nearness, the trust and the love that had developed between them over time was stronger than with anyone he'd ever known.

Fragments of their life since coming to Atlantis raced through John's mind while he sat in the mess hall over dinner with his team. He felt a pleasant warmth spread throughout his whole body as he watched Rodney flail his arms and, with a full mouth, explain something none of them could quite grasp.

Swallowing down his last bite of almost-chicken, John asked Rodney, "You up for a couple beers on the pier later?"

"Sure, but I'll bring it. Your American brew doesn't pass as beer by far," the Canadian retorted dryly, scooping up the rest of his blue jello and sneaking a peek out of questioning blue eyes at him.

John smiled, reassured and reassuringly. Nothing in particular had happened recently. They'd had a few rather peaceful weeks. But just then, in this moment of absolute ordinariness, he finally decided that he'd had enough of putting off the inevitable.

Tonight was the night. He'd waited all his life. Waited to meet his dream companion and then, when he'd met him and come to accept their roles in each others lives, for the right moment. But there just wasn't a right moment. Any time would have been as right as the other. Tonight was as perfect as it was ever going to get to start living it for real. It really was that easy. Had been all along.

Already anticipating the outcome of tonight in his head, John was at peace with himself and his decision, looking forward to a life with his bonded partner and lover. His companion in his dreams and in reality.

Because, seriously, if not now, when?


End file.
